How to Keep Your Identity in Your Marriage

It was September 1989 when we got married. I was nineteen years old, with my twentieth birthday two months away. Our daughter, Candis, was three and I was attending college. Oh, and did I say I was a newlywed? Being a young wife, mother, and college student, I could have easily lost my identity before and during my marriage.

Marriage is a powerful relationship between two people who care about and love one another. But it can be easy to get caught up in the moments of life and lose sight of who you are in the middle of love and commitment. This may occur if you begin to put your spouse’s and children’s wants ahead of your own or if you believe that you must forgo your own goals and interests to maintain the connection.

Before we dive into key pointers of keeping your identity, let’s take a look at a few effects:

• Foundation
• Drifting
• Who You Are and Where You Are From

The Foundation 🙏🏽

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27

Natural things like houses, buildings, apartments, and even vehicles have a foundation and marriage is no different. To determine how high a building will be built a contractor has to identify how deep to dig before the foundation is laid. You have to build a good solid foundation for a structure to last.

I am thankful to God for our pastor and first lady, during our early years of marriage. Not only did we have impactful pre-marital sessions, but also he taught a series periodically on the Christian home. It covered just about everything…being single, married life, what the bible says about divorce, building a foundation and also knowing who you are in Christ. The messages were detailed with scriptures and life experiences.

You and your spouse should build your marriage foundation on the word of God and allow the Holy Spirit to direct you on specifics of how your relationship should be. Learn how to carry out God’s plan and communicate with your spouse what you need to keep your identity within the marriage.

The Drift 💨

When you hear the word drift, what comes to mind? For me, I think of being in a rowboat without paddles and carried slowly by a current of water with no idea where I am going. Just floating away.

The drift in life is an important element to recognize. It can happen all at once, slowly, or over some time. What is the drift? The drift is when you find yourself pouring all of your time and energy into your spouse, your children, and/or work, without ever pouring back into yourself. You begin to neglect your alone time and self-care, which in turn, leaves you empty. You get sucked into a mode of pleasing everyone and neglecting yourself. Once this happens, you may find it difficult to become centered again.

I used to find myself drifting from time to time over the years. Now I make sure to take time for myself, have a clear directive, and ask the Holy Spirit for continued guidance and self-talk.

“I am a separate being and God expects me to fulfill my individual purpose.”, “Today is a good day for some me time.”, “What can I do today to create a relaxing, fulfilling moment?” etc.

One of my memories of a co-worker, that helped shape me, is her breakdown when her daughter was about to graduate. She had two children, a son who was the oldest and a daughter. Over the years she had put all of her focus and energy into her children. No time was spent building her marriage or herself. She walked the halls of the elementary school with a depressed look and was often seen crying. I had never witnessed anything like this before. She shared with me, a twenty-something-year-old, that she did not know what she was going to do once her last child was off to college. And she stated she did not like her husband. Yikes!

Needless to say, I did not know how to process this information and couldn’t give her any advice. However, I knew then that I could not find myself being carried away slowly by the currents of self-identity sabotage.

Identify what you need so that you will not drift into something you had no intention of being or becoming.

Knowing Who You Are and Where You Are From

If I ask you who you are, chances are you will begin to list the duties and responsibilities in your life as if you are reading your resume.

For example, you may say “I am a wife, a mother of three, and a partner at a prestigious law firm.” Or “I am the president of my Homeowners Association, an usher at my church, supervisor of 40 plus employees, and husband-to-be to Ms. Jones.”

Yes, but no. WHO AM I? YOU ARE A child of The Most High God. YOU ARE blood bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God. Galatians 4:7

If I ask where you are from, what would your answer be? Would you say, Africa, California, the south side, or the Bronx?

Yes, but no. Where are you from? YOU ARE FROM heaven. Philippians 3:20 states “But our citizenship is in heaven.” You live on earth but your hometown is heaven.

It is easy to get caught up in titles and duties of life and believe that these things are “who” we are and “where” we are from. The Bible clearly tells us who we are and where we are from as stated above. This is your true identity.

So now that you know you are a child of God and from heaven, you can incorporate the other aspects as parts of you. You have your identity, your imprint, your image, and your DNA. Spend time in the word of God to keep it and His plan at the forefront of your life.

Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness…

Genesis 1:26

Key Pointers 👈🏽

It’s important to bear in mind that preserving your own identity when married is crucial to a happy and fulfilling union. And also for you to remain whole. The following can help you accomplish that:

1. Acknowledge the Lord in everything and take time to fast and pray. Proverbs 3:6 and I Corinthians 7:5
2. Cultivate your gifts: Whether it’s a hobby, an occupational goal, or a personal adventure, make sure to set aside time to pursue your passions. It will not only make you happier and more content, but it will also give you something to talk about with your spouse and keep your talks engaging.
3. Continue to build your friendships: It’s important to have a support system, a sounding board, outside of your marriage. Prioritize your friendships, get out of the house, and spend time with your friends. Recharge and have some alone (me) time.
4. Speak Up: Communicate, it is a key essential! Your spouse is not a mind reader. Make sure to speak up if you feel like your identity is fading, and work as a team with your spouse to find a solution that works for both of you. As women, we tend to sigh and say nothing is wrong as a form of getting our point across. Please do not use this as an alternative.
5. Defy the Norm: You do not have to feel guilty if family members or friends choose not to recharge every once and a while and tell you, that you do not attend to your home as you ought. Being tired, frustrated and none communitive is not healthy. Do not conform nor behave as everyone else or diminish your self-worth and well-being.
6. Set boundaries: Saying “No” can be a good thing. It’s okay to say no to things that don’t align with your interests. Make sure to set boundaries with those inside and outside the home. Communicate them clearly and do not leave room for assumptions. You want to make sure you maintain your sense of self and prevent resentment from building up.
7. Drink the Latte and Order In: Do not feel as if you have to cook a meal every night for your family. Order take-out from time to time, sit down with your family, and join in on the fun and laughter. If you can’t afford take-out prepare something quick and easy like mouth-watering hot dogs and chips! My friends would think it was so funny when I would say we had “mouth-watering” hot dogs for dinner. It was my description of a scrumptious meal.
8. Apply Daily or Weekly Self-Care: This one is HUGE. For some, we have to PRACTICE self-care, otherwise, you will talk yourself out of it or not pour into yourself at all. Taking care for yourself is essential to maintaining your identity. Whether it’s exercising, getting a massage, a mani-pedi, reading or taking a bubble bath, make sure to set aside time for activities that make you feel good. Buy the flowers and eat a dessert! And if possible, ask your spouse to take the kids out so that you can have a few hours to unwind.

This is for men and women! Men as well as women need to replenish, relax, relate, and release. These things aid in not losing your identity.

In Conclusion 👋🏽

Keeping your identity in a marriage is all about balance. (Proverbs 16:11). It’s important to prioritize your own needs and interests while also being committed to your spouse and the relationship. By implementing standards, you can maintain a strong sense of self while still enjoying all the benefits of a loving and supportive marriage.

On a marriage-building note: One of the things I learned and implemented early on was making sure I spent time with and got to know my husband. I knew it was imperative to continue to build on our relationship because one day our children would leave the house. And when they did, I was and still am in love and enjoy being with my husband. We made sure we did not allow anyone to drive a wedge between us or control us. Keep your identity and marriage in check.

The foundation is laid and built with the word of God and exchanging thoughts, ideas, and desires with one another.

Don’t lose yourself or your identity. Be authentically YOU!

What are some ways you put yourself first to keep from losing your identity?

Need balance? Check out this blog post.